my hair is green until it falls on my desk with a coarse brown tip,
but i guess that’s how it always is, really.
everything feels like wading through snow right now,
and my toes are cold but i can’t see the end.
when i walk into work you ask me how i’m doing, and i really just want to tell you that i was trying to stay posi about mercury being in retrograde, but that i feel like everything is clouded, and wow i want to disappear a surprising amount today, and wow wow how is this still happening all the time, and wow i am deconstructing so many notions of myself that i thought i had written down for myself, and everything is fluid and changing and i am glad but so so so scared, and i am still reeling from what happened, and i was late to work because i couldn’t put it on this morning, and can’t i just not put it on some mornings?? but instead i tell you that i’m fine (but you know i’m not).
i am responsible for the energy i put into the world,
and i’m sorry if you can feel my static, but i
don’t know how to be honest and safe at the same time here, and
isn’t professionalism such a hoax (only you don’t think so, i know it).
i am trying to find ways to name the emotions that have sat behind my eyes for years
(i feel them but can never quite articulate them).
i am feeling so much for the first time,
and i am proud of myself for the first time,
but sometimes that falls just out of reach and i
drown in the static more easily than i would like to.
you are seeing it unfold as i see it unfold,
and i am sorry, but i am growing, and
we will live we will live we will live.
by Abbie Heath